A brand new day

And a brand new form of “relationship”.

I no longer share much with him.  We still stay in contact, sporadically, but there’s no longer a need for me to be open and honest with him.  Everything now is very topical – nothing from the heart or deep and emotional.

He judged me, when he said he wanted us to share everything going on in our lives, and I’ve decided he really didn’t want to know for any reason other than to keep tabs on me and my new lifestyle without him.

He and  his wife are sleeping in the same bed, once again or so he claims.  He says she still has pillows between them and there is no intimacy, but I really don’t care nor believe him.

They took a trip together recently – Both took time off work for a long weekend to get away and bike trails.  He attempted to downplay the significance, but I know it was an attempt to reconnect.

I have encouraged him to do everything in his power to mend the rift with his wife and make his marriage what it always should have been.  He says his wife is 75% of what he needs.  The other 25% is the lack of physical intimacy he wants.

The best part of it all is I no longer care one way or the other if he and I continue communicating.  The longer the stretch between, the less we share, the more comfortable I am in NOT hearing from him.

It’s a good thing.  How strongly I thought I once felt for him and now I have almost no feelings for him.  I do wish him happiness, but I’m thankful he chose to remain with his wife.  He and I never would have lasted – we’re too different.

Life played out the way it was supposed to.

 

 

Advertisement

Love vs. Friendship

He’s not a nice person…

when he’s upset and the status quo is threatened.  He lashes out and paints himself as the victim when he’s actually the one being the aggressor.  It makes me wonder if everything he ever told me about the problems in his marriage were more based on him and his personality defects than solely on his wife and what he claimed were her faults.

From the beginning of our relationship he’s always said we were friends first, best friends, and no matter what happened between us the friendship would remain forever.

I’m learning forever is conditional.

He has a vision of who I should be, how I should act, and the life I should live.  Any deviation is unacceptable.

We’ve discussed for months how I want to be supportive of him remaining in his marriage and making it the very best it can be.  I want him to make every effort to bridge the gap with his wife, go above and beyond to make his marriage everything he’s always wanted it to be.

I’ve pulled away, pushed him away, told him his focus should be on her and on them and I was no longer going to be a distraction.  I’ll be his friend, but that’s where it has to end.

He claims to be okay with our new status.  He says he’s okay with it.  His actions speak far louder than his words.

Friendship has to be a mutual interaction between two people equally willing and able to share.  He claims to want to be my friend, yet he is unable to allow me to share the important parts of my life, the intimate parts apart from him.  He wants to hear only the topical events, the benign portions of my days, my nights, my weekends.

I tried being open, honest, sharing completely.  He didn’t take it well.  In fact, he became almost hateful, mean for sure.  When I tried pointing out what friendship means, how I wanted his support in the same manner I was supporting him, he said I was “trashing him” and we were over.

He lashed out.  Became hurtful, ugly.  Then when I finally conceded we should in fact be done, he back pedaled.  He justified his anger, his words, on how I was treating him.  It was my fault!  Hmmmm

He then tried to act like nothing was said, it was all a misunderstanding, a misinterpretation of meaning.  He changed the subject and started talking about unimportant, topical things.

I, as a result, have little interest in remaining friends.  I told him I didn’t see us being capable of friendship after all the other emotions we’ve shared.  Too much history and connection to revert to something as empty and distant as friendship.

He’s trying to correct the way he acted, but I’ve seen the darkest side of him and I no longer have any reason to share my life with him in any way.

I do wish him the best, but I’m no longer interested in hearing about his life, his experiences, his achievements, his disappointments.  He’s of no consequence to me now.  And I don’t have any regrets.

 

 

 

New Chapter

I’ve maintained my resolve.  He and I are friends, nothing more.  We met once for dinner out and then watched a movie.  We message daily, but far less.  We talk on the phone occasionally.

I’ve admitted to him I’ve been out with other men and have entered into sexual relationships with some of them.  He was initially upset.  I think he still hoped I’d change my mind and decide to continue a sexual relationship with him in spite of his decision to remain married.

I haven’t told him I’ve been seeing one for the past 8 or 9 months, long before I totally  broke things off with him, but definitely after his mom died and he made the decision to stay married.

He’s the youngest person I’ve ever dated, but I’m having the best time with him.  He doesn’t consider the age difference – 19 years – to be a problem.  In fact, he doesn’t give it any consideration.  In the beginning, I was concerned he’d lose interest in me after a short time.  The longer we’ve seen each other, the less of an issue it’s become.

I have the most fun with him.  We do things together almost every weekend – the only exception is when he’s on drill duty with OCS which ends in July.  We’ve experienced some amazing things together and there doesn’t seem to be an end.  He talks about all the things we’re going to do in the future and all the fun things we’re going to experience together.

I’ll ride the roller-coaster of excitement as long as it lasts.

I’m job hunting and hoping to relocate.  I want to move to a larger city and have greater opportunities both professionally and personally.

One of the considerations is closer to him.  It would allow us to see each other more frequently.  I’m not moving solely to be closer to him, but it’s an added benefit.  It’s a city I’m very interested in and quite enjoy exploring.  There are so many opportunities for entertainment and night life as well as no state income tax, which increases the salary I’ll receive with any employer.

It’s not the only city I’m researching.  It’s time for me to move.  I made the decision to stay here because of him and it was a mistake.  I thought I could win him over and his wife would blow her “act”.  I tried to convince myself he’d choose me eventually.  Big mistake!

Now, it’s time to move.  To make decisions for me, about me.  And I feel really good about it.  I want to start again, fresh.  No memories to linger and make things complicated.

 

 

Moving Forward

I have dated on and off during my affair.  Nothing serious with anyone – I wasn’t able to commit outside of what my heart thought it wanted.  I did want to find something, someone of my own.  I wanted distraction and interaction.  A way to take my mind off his time with her.

All along I told myself if I were able to find Mr. Right-for-me I could leave him behind.  I could walk away from the insanity and immorality of our relationship and move on with someone unattached and interested in only me.

Unfortunately, living in such a small town, I had to venture out into the world of online dating.  Talk about a mine field!  Wow!  Not easy and not fun!

I’ve met interesting people.  Interesting doesn’t necessarily mean good.  Just to be clear.  I’m still searching.  I’m still hopeful.  I may just bump into the next chapter.  Or I may continue to be disillusioned by the things I come across.

My next post will detail some of the people I’ve met and the experiences I’ve had.  It’s time for this blog to change direction with me and take on a new personality.

I hope you’ll come along for the ride.  If not and you’ve been a follower strictly for the affair, I thank you for your time.  Life is short and anyone using valuable bits of theirs to read what I’ve written, mainly for myself, deserves to know how much I appreciate them.

If you do decide to stick around, know I will be just as open, honest, and raw with the adventures I’ve had already and the new ones I’ve yet to have.

 

 

 

The winds of change

It’s time.  There’s no reason to continue to delude myself.  He’s my past.  He’s no longer a part of my present.  He never was going to be a part of my future.

I’m contemplating a drastic move.  Away.  To start over fresh.

If I remain here he’ll think he can keep manipulating, pressuring, appealing to my sympathy, guilting me, keeping me on the hook for his selfish needs and pleasure.

I’ve communicated my intentions.  He’s angry, hurt, vacillating between the two.  Supportive and understanding at one point and then angry and upset I’m leaving him behind.

He’s trying to convince me to stay, grow here, downsize to reduce expenses, sell everything he says is “non-essential”.

Easy for him to say.  He’s wealthy, has his huge home, his toys, his vehicles.  He has it all and refuses to give any of it up for me, but can judge, selfishly, what I should and shouldn’t do.

I have no feelings for him.  I’ve reflected.  I don’t get upset now.  I’m numb to it.  Numb to him.  He has lost his control of me.  The power he held for so long is now nothing.

I’m free.

 

True Colors

I have seen bits and pieces of his temper over the last year and a half we’ve known each other, but last night he showed what I now know to be his real personality.

He’s not happy I’m pulling away.  He’s not happy I’m content not being able to see him.  I think he was hoping I’d beg him to see me on his bowling nights – excused absences from the wife.  I haven’t and I don’t intend to.

I know he’s upset about my not jumping at his offer to come over on February 14th while his wife is in Atlanta at training.  When I said I was sorry her employer scheduled training on Valentine’s Day and they wouldn’t be able to celebrate together, he said he didn’t even realize it was Valentine’s Day and it never mattered to them anyway – she didn’t celebrate those days.

Since I didn’t proceed to say I was excited and wanted to see him, he said “I bet you’ll have a date”.  All I said was maybe.

My email communications have dwindled in frequency and length.  I simply don’t have as much to say and I don’t have as much time to focus on him and maintain his favor.  It’s not important to me and I’m working at other potential relationships.

I’ve stopped sharing intimate parts of my life and don’t feel it’s necessary anymore.  He’s staying with his wife and he should be working on their relationship.  Even though he tells me there is no relationship other than her being his “maid and cook”, I know they go places together and see friends together in social settings.  To me, that’s a marriage.

He knows I have another male friend, single, whom I met before him and have wanted a relationship with, but because of past heartaches and marital abuse, he’s very nervous about hurting me and failing at another long term relationship.  I’ve settled into being his friend until recently he’s told me on several occasions he loves me.

I shared this information with my former lover and as well as a recent disappointment about a planned visit cancelled at the last minute because of a pulled back muscle the day he was scheduled to visit my place for the first time.

I had wrongly told my former lover I was finished if he “didn’t come this time” since he’d made similar promises and similar excuses in the past.  He was more content to have me drive to his place and I always had, but he’d told me over and over he was going to come to me for a change.

I told him when he asked if we had a good time together he hadn’t actually come and why and that set him spinning.  He was incensed I would continue with a potential relationship if he never came to my home and told me he hoped I saw the reality of what he was doing, always expecting me to be the one making an effort, and I was no longer going to pursue him.

That was last week.  Yesterday he called on his way to bowling – his normal routine – and talked casually for a brief time, then asked if he and I had made up.  I told him I felt that was a subject better left out of our conversations.

Oh my!  He totally gave it to me!  Told me he was “wasting him time” on me, I was obviously through with him and no longer wanted to be his best friend.  He continued by saying I clearly didn’t have any need of him now and why should he bother with me any more.  I was no longer worth it to him.

I was shocked!  He’d told me his wife was off limits and I was not to ask about their relationship and interaction, but when I did the same about someone who means something to me, I was the villain.

I tried explaining to him I was no different, but he said it was absolutely different and if I was no longer willing to share the events of my life with him we might at well just end things.  I told him if that’s what he felt and wanted, so be it.

When he’d gone round and round slamming me and saying hateful, hurtful things, I told him I didn’t understand how he could be so mean to me when all I’d done was try to keep a portion of my personal life, personal, like his marriage was for him.

I told him he hurt me and I was okay with him being finished.

Advance to later, when he was on his way home after bowling and called again, he said he was trying to keep things light and I’d brought up the previous conversation and was trying to start another fight.

I tried again to tell him his feelings were no more valid than mine and he’d made me feel no different than my ex-husband had in his demeaning manor and I didn’t deserve it from either of them nor would I continue to put up with it from someone who was married to someone else.

When we ended the call, after he said he’d driven around the block several times in order to talk to me, I was whipped!

Not long after, he sent me an email saying he was sorry.  I ignored it.  Later he said it again and told me good night.  Again, I ignored it.

Today he’s sent much longer, more engaging emails, and I’ve answered briefly, occasionally, with little to no added interest.  He, at one point, said something about me going back to one word answers.  So!  It was okay for him and not for me, but that’s the way things have always been with him.

This berating has definitely made it easier for me to feel confident and comfortable with ending this from not only a sexual standpoint, but from a friend standpoint as well.  He only wants me to be the friend he wants and not for me to have a backbone and individual thoughts.

I’m no longer interested nor do I care.  And I’m not sad about it or even have the slightest bit of regret.  He’s done this and I’m glad!  Makes it easier on me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Appreciation and reflection

Today I received a very thoughtful and time-involved message from a reader.  Not only do I take the time to read the messages I receive, but many I respond to and answer as many questions as I can and feel are appropriate enough to warrant a response.

The benefit of these messages is I get to hear the outside observations of others either having been in, going through now, or considering an affair.

When you’re right smack in the middle of the relationship, feelings and reason often get pushed to the side.  The only thing of importance is staying connected and relevant to your lover.

I’ve gone from a newly involved, guilt-ridden partner in the affair with a married man to a fully committed, totally convinced woman in love with a man who was certain he was planning to end his marriage and join his life with mine to a skeptical, borderline angry woman realizing the man who assured her he loved her was only saying so in order to keep the affair going.

It’s nice to finally come to the conclusion he will never leave his wife, he’s too involved and invested in what they have together, to do anything beyond using me for sex.

I no longer have the need or desire to spend time with him.  Yes, I do still consider him a friend.  We’ve shared many personal experiences, outside of the bedroom, this past year and almost a half.  I’d like to think he’ll remain my friend when I meet and begin a physical relationship with someone else.

He says he will, always, when I’ve discussed this with him, but like everything else he’s said I won’t know until it happens.  If not, no great loss – for me!

 

 

Riding the Rainbow

It’s funny how people who either haven’t lived outside the proverbial box or are doing their best to fool themselves into believing they’re above making decisions they think they never in a million years would make, pass judgement and condemn others without walking a mile in their shoes.

I’ve been married and divorced twice.  As I stated at the very beginning of my blog journey, I was married the first time for 11 years to a serial cheater.  I stayed in our dysfunctional marriage for the benefit of our sons and because I was raised to believe marriage was a for better or worse, til death do us part commitment.

When our sons started getting old enough to realize something was amiss and I knew I could no longer justify having them witness a broken marriage example they would later think was okay for themselves, I ended it.  It was the most difficult decision to that point I’d ever made.

Fast forward 19 years in marriage number 2, a total break down of his commitment to us, and our son (my third) witnessing the dysfunctional way we existed, I again found myself having to make a tough decision – stay married to what essentially was a roommate relationship or end it and hope to find happiness for myself living a single life for the first time in 30 years.

I waited until our son graduated from high school in hopes of lessening the emotional impact it had on him and being able to discuss with a young adult why things were changing.

Twice in my life, I put others before me.  Twice in my life, I stayed in impossible relationships longer than I should.  I didn’t take either decision lightly.  Entering into an affair was much harder and not something I ever dreamed I’d do.  It was against the grain of my upbringing and my better judgement.  But I did so after lots of reflection and consideration.

For someone to pass judgement on me without giving me the benefit of the doubt and without talking to me and asking what went into my decision, is not only shallow on their part, but also insensitive and cruel.

Perhaps they’ve lived a charmed, perfect life and never had to make tough decisions.  Or perhaps they’ve been on the receiving end of an affair and accepted no personal responsibility in why it happened to them.  I don’t know because they only condemned me harshly and offered no additional insight into why it was so easy for them to be mean.

I would ask them to take stock of themselves.  Cast the first stone if the honestly think they’re without fault.  Otherwise, don’t judge unless you’ve walked in my shoes.

I never would have thought I’d have an affair with a married man.  I hated when it happened to me in my first marriage, repeatedly.  But I did what I thought was right, based on what I was being told by my lover.  I believed in and trusted him.

Clearly, based on my recent blog posts, I’ve come to the conclusion I made a mistake in trusting and believing him.  He may very well have believed what he told me and how he felt along the way, but things have changed and I no longer will allow his commitment to both of us.

Their marriage is not coming to an end so our affair is.  Both simple and hugely complicated at the same time.

The ride on the rainbow my accuser is taking, or fooling themselves into believing their on, would be interesting to witness.  Unfortunately, I don’t have the time nor the inclination to find out.  My life is enough and I don’t pass judgement on someone I don’t take the time to get to know.

If this was you and you’re reading this, think.

Loving this lighter side of life

I’m so relaxed and stress-free.  Releasing myself from him, knowing I’m going to make it, accepting I’m going to be fine without him, has lifted a heavy burden I didn’t realize I was carrying.

When I started this affair over 16 months ago, I was hard on myself and felt guilty, but was under the impression his marriage was ending and it was only a matter of time they would be filing for divorce.

I justified getting involved with him by telling myself they were over.  Her feelings didn’t matter because he told me how mean she was to him both in her actions and word.  What he told me bordered on and often crossed the line of what I considered abuse.  I felt sorry for him and wanted to be there to help him in the transition.

The longer we were together, the more I heard about their destructive, collapsing marriage.  I was his sounding board, his safe place, his comfort.  I thought I was doing him a favor and earning his trust and love.

He convinced me he loved me, wanted me, asked me if I would be willing to marry him down the road.  I’d told him early on I was never getting married again, no matter what.  For him, I said I would.

The roller coaster of emotions I rode with him were worth it, I convinced myself, because in the end I’d be happy with the man I had grown to trust and love.  I believed I was investing in our future.  Our infidelity would pay off.

What a fool I was!

The writing was on the wall long before I was willing to see it and accept what was happening.  Most blatantly last June when they went on vacation together.  He said it was to “keep the peace” – a line I’d started hearing all too often.

Then his mom passed away suddenly and they had to turn around and come back home.  I knew at the time it could go either way – push him to find true happiness with me or become complacent and accepting of his current marital state.

He chose the latter!   Which was the beginning of the end for me!

Gosh, it feels so good to look back and not get upset!  It reassures me I’m making the right decision!  He’s a brief blip in my timeline.  I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’ve grown.  My next and future relationships, if the next isn’t the “one”, will be better as a result.

I guess I should be thankful I met him and traveled the journey.  I don’t think he’d appreciate the thanks, but I know I need to say it.

 

 

 

 

Laughing to myself

Surprisingly, I received an email message from him today.  He’d told me he wouldn’t be able to while out of the country and I was okay with it.  In fact, didn’t bat an eye or even question him.

I guess my honesty with him yesterday and all his free time on the flight, at the hotel, and then all day working today made him reflect on what I’d said and my apathy about our relationship and he determined to stay in touch.

It doesn’t change a thing about the way I feel, but it does mean he’s not thrilled with my moving on with someone else and his losing me.

It’s unfortunate the last year and a half he didn’t appreciate me and what we shared enough to make hard decisions.  He felt confident I was interested enough to stay with just the bits and pieces of him he permitted.

Now that I’ve disconnected emotionally and am happy, he’s facing a reality he didn’t expect.  Knowing I’m no longer in love with him and actively looking to replace him isn’t sitting well.

Consequences.