Happiness ends in unexpected pain

I’m on vacation.  He’s on vacation.  No, we’re not together.  I’m traveling with my youngest son to my middle son’s.  He’s traveling with his wife to his hometown.  We both left our respective homes on Saturday to begin our journeys.

I picked up my son from his off-campus house when he got off work and we drove straight to South Florida.  We arrived at my middle son’s home a little after 11:00pm that night.

He drove bits and pieces, stopping for site-seeing and bike rides not arriving in Ohio until yesterday early evening.

We messaged back and forth every day, most of the day.  He sent me pictures and details of his adventures and I did the same.  His were things he was finding on his rides and mine were of my days at the beach.

A little after 9:00 pm last night, after exchanging funny little messages, I received a very upsetting message.  His mom died suddenly.  He was going to bed to leave early this morning to drive back home.  No warning, no illness.  She was alive and then she was gone.

She was his biggest champion, his biggest supporter.  She longed for him to be happy and feared for him in his marriage.  She was the recipient of many of his wife’s hateful tirades and she refused to come to his home when she was there.

He’d said many times how he knew his mom would love me, how he wanted me to meet her and his dad, but he was afraid to allow that to happen until his wife left or he left her.  He didn’t want them put in a position of not being able to defend him in court should his wife battle the divorce.

Now I’ll never have that opportunity!  He’s missed so many chances to spend time with her because of his wife and will no longer have the chance.

I’ve only heard from him, briefly, twice today.  First thing early this morning and once when they stopped to stretch their legs.  I know he’s rushing to get home and to his dad’s. I feel so bad for him!  I know his heart is breaking and mine is breaking for him and the great loss he’s experienced.

My mom was my very best friend and she passed away 4 years ago the 12th of this same month.  No matter how many years have passed, I will always miss her and feel the pain on every anniversary of her death as well as her birthday which was the 21st of this month.

Now he and I will share this month of painful memories.

I want to be able to wrap him in my arms, hold him and provide what little comfort I can.  But I’m the mistress.  I’m the one no one but him can know about.  And right now he’s surrounded by his real family.

I fear losing his mom will cause the fight to go out of him and he’ll decide to become more complacent about his wife and what’s wrong in their marriage.  He may even decide having the affair with me is no longer a risk he’s willing to take.

Or this may be the catalyst it takes to make him decide life is too short and unpredictable to live in a marriage less than he wants and deserves and he’ll decide to end it regardless of the financial cost.

Either way, I’m scared.  I’m afraid of losing him.  I’m upset because I can’t comfort him and be near him.  I’m sad because I’ll never get the chance to thank his mom for the amazing son she raised.  I’ll never get to show her, assure her, prove to her how important he is to me and how much I love him.


Sick of the Roller Coaster

I don’t know why I continue this relationship.  He’s obviously never going to end his marriage.  It’s more than money, I can’t help but believe.  He’s lying to me.  If things were so horribly wrong, there’s no way he would stay.

They watch movies at home together every weekend – he claims it’s “safe”, him on one couch, her on the other.  He attends family things with her – this past weekend they went to her father’s house to celebrate “birthdays, anniversaries, and Father’s Day” – their anniversary!  And then his older daughter’s family and they had a picnic at the lake. They attend events together – tonight at the local county race track with their Jeep Club. They’re going on vacation together – back to his hometown in Ohio to visit friends and family – she didn’t grown up there.

I was planning to go out tonight.  Looking for a date.  He asked what my plans were and I told him.  He got mad!  So I cancelled.  And then I find out he’s out with her.  I’m SO STUPID!

I’m blogging in hopes of preventing myself from having a knee-jerk reaction and sending him a heated message telling him we’re finished.

I use this to vent!  And vent is what I need to do right now!

He wants me to be exclusively his.  He wants me to “focus on my new job, getting my certification exam scheduled and taken, going back to school”.  He wants all of those things to fill my time.  Oh, and save time for him.  He wants to be my “man time” – no kidding, his words!

Arrogant ass!  It would crush him to know he’s not the best sex I’ve ever had.  I lie and tell him he is because of his ego.  He wants to be the man who pleases me better than any other so I tell him what he wants to hear.  He must need to hear it.  Couple that with the fact I fake orgasm!  He’d be devastated!

Who am I and how have I become this person?

The Chance to Celebrate his Life

Today is his birthday!  He turned 54.  I got to wake up next to him and be the first person to wish him happy birthday.

We spent Monday and Tuesday evenings together.  Our official celebration of his birthday was yesterday.  I took him to dinner, made dessert to have at my place after, and had his gift and cards waiting for him to open – I say cards because I found 2 I liked and couldn’t decide which so bought both.

He told me then and he told me again this morning I made his birthday the most special he’d ever had.  I don’t know for sure if that’s true, but I’ll believe him and be happy for us!

We’ve been together now 9 months.  It’s been a roller coaster of ups and downs.  When we first met, he was of the mind his marriage would end by the end of the year.  That didn’t happen.

He’s in an impossible situation.  Financially, she contributes nothing, but because they’re married she gets half of his assets which is a considerable amount.  And the reason the marriage is broken is because she’s violent and volatile.  She doesn’t want to be married, but she wants to get her “share”.

If he offered her a settlement to leave, she would, if the dollar amount was right.  He’s hoping she’ll leave of her own accord and for far less.

I’m waiting.  Hoping.



Learning to Find Satisfaction in Uncertainty

I knew we weren’t going to see each other this week.  He’d told me she was not working and he wouldn’t be able to get away.  I also knew he might be going to Canada for business.  He did.  He left yesterday afternoon.

He messaged in the morning and said he wasn’t sure about service internationally.  I hadn’t thought about the possibility.  I’d actually hoped we’d be able to chat in the evenings when he returned to his hotel room.

He contacted me on his way to the airport to inform me they’d provided him with a special code to use on his phone and computer for business purposes.  He’d try to message me when he was able in between meetings and work.

Although I had been prepared to have him go “dark” for the 3 days he’s gone, he’s been able to message some.  I was happy to hear from him.  I miss holding him in my arms, but it’s almost easier his being out of the country while she’s home and he wasn’t able to spend our normal days together.  At least he’s not at home with her.

There’s a possibility he’ll be able to come by and see me on his way back from the airport tomorrow.  I’m not sure when his flight gets in, but when I suggested the possibility, he said it was a very good idea.

His birthday is next Wednesday.  His parents have decided to not come up for dinner while she’s away for work.  They’ve decided to celebrate his birthday and Father’s Day on Sunday.  This means I’ll get him both nights, hopefully earlier rather than later. Work needs to cooperate and allow him to have my evenings free!  We have catching up to do!

Regardless of the interruptions, the uncertainties, the changes, I want him in my life.  I want to wait for our future.  I don’t know when that’s going to begin, when it will move forward without her, but I want to wait.  I want to remain satisfied with the bits and pieces we have together.

I don’t like hoping for their end, but I do.  I want her to leave, to decide life with him is no longer beneficial.  I want the money to not be her driving force.  I want her to decide the shallow, unfulfilling existence they live is no longer part of what she wants in her future. I want her to meet someone who has more money, more financial gain, who takes her away.

I want him, not his money.  I could care less if he still had it.  If it were all gone, if he had to give her half, it wouldn’t matter to me.  I want happiness, love, a life with him.  I want our future to begin.  I want to spend the rest of my days making him happy, loving him, spending time with him, enjoying our days, our nights, our forever.

I want to spend every second making love to the man I’ve grown to love more than anyone I’ve met before.  I want his body pressed against mine, every night.  I want to wake up looking into his sleeping face.  I want to kiss his relaxed lips.  I want to feel him stir beside me and make love again to start our day.





The highs and lows and everything in between

We were together Tuesday and Wednesday of this week.  The holiday changed her work schedule, which in turn changed our schedule.  With the shortened work week, he lost a day of business and was busier both days so arrived late.

I made dinner both nights. The first meal was a little more time-sensitive, and harder to negotiate with uncertain arrival.  The second night I planned for a meal I was able to be less concerned with.  I could quickly finish as soon as he arrived.

I enjoy cooking and I really enjoy cooking for him because he appreciates my effort and loves to eat.

When he left this morning, I sent him home with leftovers he said he never gets at home, unless he cooks himself, which he rarely does.  When they’re together, they eat simple meals – sandwiches or soup – or they go out to eat at a local place for something equally simple and mundane.

This will be a short month for us.  We won’t see each other next week.  She is off to do volunteer opportunities and he has to fly to Canada for business.  They have a new client needing face-to-face attention for reassurance.  He hadn’t planned to travel and doesn’t particularly want to go because it will be a quick there and back trip, but his presence has been requested by the client.

His birthday is the 14th.  I won’t get to see him on his actual birthday, she’ll be home, but I’m supposed to see him the 2 days before based on the schedule he’s provided me for the month.  One of my scheduled days his parents may come up to take him out for dinner since she’ll be gone.  They won’t come to his home when she’s around.  She’s treated them horribly and they refuse to be there when she is.

The last week of the month he’s gone again.  He’s going home, where he grew up, to visit extended family and friends.  I’m hoping to travel south to visit my son and his wife to see their new home while he’s gone.  It won’t be as difficult for me to not see him since I’ll be away as well.  I planned it that way on purpose.

I’m finding our current “state”, our relationship, to be uncomfortable.  He’d never rejected her completely in the past.  He’d never ignored her birthday, never walked out during an argument and not returned until the following day, never told her he was finished.  He’s shaken her up and she realizes he’s serious.  I’m sure she’s come to the realization of all she’ll lose.  Therefore, she’s being cooperative, complacent, less confrontational.  They’ve settled into routine.

This routine worries me.  He’s certain the marriage will end.  He’s certain it’s the eye of the storm, the calm before the eruption.  I can’t help believe she’s planning to do everything to control her reactions, her outbursts, her anger in order to maintain this routine.

As long as the routine stays calm, doesn’t become volatile, she’ll remain, he’ll tolerate her presence, and I’ll still be his mistress.  Nothing more.  I’ll get his bits and pieces, his nights when she’s working.  Until she takes 4 months leave and then I’ll be lucky to get a single evening, let alone an overnight.

I want her to explode.  I want her to be who she really is and has been.  I want her to let her guard down.  I want him to be able to force her departure.  I want the end he’s been talking about since we first met over 8 months ago.