I wrote in my last blog one of two things could happen.  The one I hoped wouldn’t, has. His mom’s passing has made him complacent.  He’s content with allowing his marriage to stabilize.  He says he wouldn’t survive the turmoil of a divorce.  He needs things to remain the same.

That means I have no place in his life.  Or I shouldn’t.

He wants me to be there, waiting, when he has time and need.  But there’s no chance of us being more than lovers.  He’s not interested in changing anything.  She is to remain his wife, I’m to remain his mistress.

He says he needs me.  He said he truly believes I am his soul mate, the one he’s longed for his whole life.  He loves and cherishes me, but I will never be more because of his circumstances.

Well, he doesn’t say never.  He says for now.  I say never because I know unless she leaves of her own accord or blows up about the time he’s spending with his dad, he’ll never force her out or divorce her.

I told him he needs to release me to date other men.  I need to have a companion I can share my life with, just as he has his wife, regardless of the dysfunction of their marriage.  Which I really don’t know if what he’s said is entirely true or what he wants me to believe.

Either way, I’m going to start dating.  I want to find someone who wants me as much as I want him.  I want to be able to shift my desire for him to another.  I want to live and love and make a life for myself.

He’s the man I want and have wanted, but he’s not available.  I’ll not wait for him to change his status.  I don’t think it will ever happen.  And I can’t put my life on hold for “what if’s” no matter how much I love him.