Love vs. Friendship

He’s not a nice person…

when he’s upset and the status quo is threatened.  He lashes out and paints himself as the victim when he’s actually the one being the aggressor.  It makes me wonder if everything he ever told me about the problems in his marriage were more based on him and his personality defects than solely on his wife and what he claimed were her faults.

From the beginning of our relationship he’s always said we were friends first, best friends, and no matter what happened between us the friendship would remain forever.

I’m learning forever is conditional.

He has a vision of who I should be, how I should act, and the life I should live.  Any deviation is unacceptable.

We’ve discussed for months how I want to be supportive of him remaining in his marriage and making it the very best it can be.  I want him to make every effort to bridge the gap with his wife, go above and beyond to make his marriage everything he’s always wanted it to be.

I’ve pulled away, pushed him away, told him his focus should be on her and on them and I was no longer going to be a distraction.  I’ll be his friend, but that’s where it has to end.

He claims to be okay with our new status.  He says he’s okay with it.  His actions speak far louder than his words.

Friendship has to be a mutual interaction between two people equally willing and able to share.  He claims to want to be my friend, yet he is unable to allow me to share the important parts of my life, the intimate parts apart from him.  He wants to hear only the topical events, the benign portions of my days, my nights, my weekends.

I tried being open, honest, sharing completely.  He didn’t take it well.  In fact, he became almost hateful, mean for sure.  When I tried pointing out what friendship means, how I wanted his support in the same manner I was supporting him, he said I was “trashing him” and we were over.

He lashed out.  Became hurtful, ugly.  Then when I finally conceded we should in fact be done, he back pedaled.  He justified his anger, his words, on how I was treating him.  It was my fault!  Hmmmm

He then tried to act like nothing was said, it was all a misunderstanding, a misinterpretation of meaning.  He changed the subject and started talking about unimportant, topical things.

I, as a result, have little interest in remaining friends.  I told him I didn’t see us being capable of friendship after all the other emotions we’ve shared.  Too much history and connection to revert to something as empty and distant as friendship.

He’s trying to correct the way he acted, but I’ve seen the darkest side of him and I no longer have any reason to share my life with him in any way.

I do wish him the best, but I’m no longer interested in hearing about his life, his experiences, his achievements, his disappointments.  He’s of no consequence to me now.  And I don’t have any regrets.




New Chapter

I’ve maintained my resolve.  He and I are friends, nothing more.  We met once for dinner out and then watched a movie.  We message daily, but far less.  We talk on the phone occasionally.

I’ve admitted to him I’ve been out with other men and have entered into sexual relationships with some of them.  He was initially upset.  I think he still hoped I’d change my mind and decide to continue a sexual relationship with him in spite of his decision to remain married.

I haven’t told him I’ve been seeing one for the past 8 or 9 months, long before I totally  broke things off with him, but definitely after his mom died and he made the decision to stay married.

He’s the youngest person I’ve ever dated, but I’m having the best time with him.  He doesn’t consider the age difference – 19 years – to be a problem.  In fact, he doesn’t give it any consideration.  In the beginning, I was concerned he’d lose interest in me after a short time.  The longer we’ve seen each other, the less of an issue it’s become.

I have the most fun with him.  We do things together almost every weekend – the only exception is when he’s on drill duty with OCS which ends in July.  We’ve experienced some amazing things together and there doesn’t seem to be an end.  He talks about all the things we’re going to do in the future and all the fun things we’re going to experience together.

I’ll ride the roller-coaster of excitement as long as it lasts.

I’m job hunting and hoping to relocate.  I want to move to a larger city and have greater opportunities both professionally and personally.

One of the considerations is closer to him.  It would allow us to see each other more frequently.  I’m not moving solely to be closer to him, but it’s an added benefit.  It’s a city I’m very interested in and quite enjoy exploring.  There are so many opportunities for entertainment and night life as well as no state income tax, which increases the salary I’ll receive with any employer.

It’s not the only city I’m researching.  It’s time for me to move.  I made the decision to stay here because of him and it was a mistake.  I thought I could win him over and his wife would blow her “act”.  I tried to convince myself he’d choose me eventually.  Big mistake!

Now, it’s time to move.  To make decisions for me, about me.  And I feel really good about it.  I want to start again, fresh.  No memories to linger and make things complicated.